working lots, stashing the money so that i can get home to my babies who i miss so fucking much. i dont feel right without them, they are my life and its taken this time away from them for me to realise just how much i love and miss them and how much i want to be with them.
looking forward to going home, but not until after dads tests, and after i get enough cash together for a car.
lovley sunny day here, wish i was in cairns.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
oh fuck it all
ive gotta get this out of my system. im well aware that you dont read this, and i dont give a fuck if you never see this, i just need to get it out.
i am fucking BROKEN without you, sitting here listening to death punch thinking about the first time i heard it, on the phone to you for hours and hours, all those fucking hours of talking, sometimes of silence, just being. fuck? bawling my fuckin eyes out because you were fucking IT and my god i gave everything up for you, i just so wanted to be with you. even forgave you for sleeping with her, something i would never do for anyone else. you were it.
everything i listen to reminds me of you. why? all the fucking hours we sat on msn webcamming, talking, all the youtube/facebook/youtube that went on. every fucking song on my goddamn playlist has you written all over it,
that first time i came over, it was like magic. i was just about to not get back on the plane to go home, i fucking cried the whole way home because i was so scared i would never see you again.
we fitted just right? i guess life takes everyone down different roads and fuck.
i know, its over, im better off without you, youre better off without me.
but im not okay. i am not okay without you, knowing i will never see you again, never lie with you in bed watching movies, never sit out on the balcony drinking with you. nothing will be the same for me ever again. its just fuckin shattered me.
i remember when all the games began, remember every little lie and every last goodbye...
promises you broke, words you choked on
and i never walked away
its still a mystery to me
well im so empty
im better off without you
and youre better off without me
youre so unclean,
im better off without you and
youre better off without me.
paint the mirrors black to forget you
i still picture your face
and the way you used to taste
roses in a glass
dead and wilted
to you this all was nothing
everything to you was nothing
...... well as wikid as you are
you're beautiful to me
...... you're the darkest burning star
you're my
perfect
desire
its over.... now.
i am fucking BROKEN without you, sitting here listening to death punch thinking about the first time i heard it, on the phone to you for hours and hours, all those fucking hours of talking, sometimes of silence, just being. fuck? bawling my fuckin eyes out because you were fucking IT and my god i gave everything up for you, i just so wanted to be with you. even forgave you for sleeping with her, something i would never do for anyone else. you were it.
everything i listen to reminds me of you. why? all the fucking hours we sat on msn webcamming, talking, all the youtube/facebook/youtube that went on. every fucking song on my goddamn playlist has you written all over it,
that first time i came over, it was like magic. i was just about to not get back on the plane to go home, i fucking cried the whole way home because i was so scared i would never see you again.
we fitted just right? i guess life takes everyone down different roads and fuck.
i know, its over, im better off without you, youre better off without me.
but im not okay. i am not okay without you, knowing i will never see you again, never lie with you in bed watching movies, never sit out on the balcony drinking with you. nothing will be the same for me ever again. its just fuckin shattered me.
i remember when all the games began, remember every little lie and every last goodbye...
promises you broke, words you choked on
and i never walked away
its still a mystery to me
well im so empty
im better off without you
and youre better off without me
youre so unclean,
im better off without you and
youre better off without me.
paint the mirrors black to forget you
i still picture your face
and the way you used to taste
roses in a glass
dead and wilted
to you this all was nothing
everything to you was nothing
...... well as wikid as you are
you're beautiful to me
...... you're the darkest burning star
you're my
perfect
desire
its over.... now.
i love 5fdp!
yayyy new album today! stupid girl, had a big old cry to The Bleeding, fucking hell. just when i had kinda stopped being upset over it all. no, i dont think i'll stop being upset over it, but it was on my mind less. until now. arse. and to make it worse listened to all the other fucking songs on playlist from "that" couple of months. ick. why does music make me cry?
all goods, and i dont think i'll go out with Jodi tonight coz im broke unless the boss pays me tonight but usually he pays on sundays, and ive gotta chuck most of it in the bank. only think ill get about $150, havent done many hours this week. better than nothing tho right and gets me out of the house which is nice.
beautiful sunny day again, not too hot tho maybe about 21 degrees, wind is a bit cold. sat outside reading in the sun again so i could tan up.
talked to the kids before, Lonnie sounds very good and grown up. theyre going to the movies with Ouma tonight which should be fun for them, ive never had the guts to take both of them to the movies at the same time. would be a disaster. would be okay if i had a hubby. yes, you.
all goods, and i dont think i'll go out with Jodi tonight coz im broke unless the boss pays me tonight but usually he pays on sundays, and ive gotta chuck most of it in the bank. only think ill get about $150, havent done many hours this week. better than nothing tho right and gets me out of the house which is nice.
beautiful sunny day again, not too hot tho maybe about 21 degrees, wind is a bit cold. sat outside reading in the sun again so i could tan up.
talked to the kids before, Lonnie sounds very good and grown up. theyre going to the movies with Ouma tonight which should be fun for them, ive never had the guts to take both of them to the movies at the same time. would be a disaster. would be okay if i had a hubby. yes, you.
yay sunshine!
sunshine!! have spent the day outside in the courtyard just reading a book... fantasticly relaxing. trying to get my legs up to "aussie colour" but they havent seen the sun in years.
dads had a really great day today, he seemed very motivated and got outside and did a couple of little jobs, asked me tot ake him to the tavern, and has been in a really good mood!
Jodi came to work with me last night, was good fun. a guy quit coz boss yelled at him so we are now seriously understaffed. good thing that Jodi wants to work!
she rekons i should go to the casino with her on saturday after i finnish work, its AFL grand final and work will be quiet, so that will be fun to go hang out with my sis! wont be doing any gambling tho, broke as! i'm working a few nights a week but some nights its only a few hours, so at the end of the week it doesnt really add up to much. dont mind, just need to pay bills and petrol and smokes, dont really need anything else.
im going down to the galleria now to get Greta some flowers, she bloody deserves them because she works soooo hard.
xx
dads had a really great day today, he seemed very motivated and got outside and did a couple of little jobs, asked me tot ake him to the tavern, and has been in a really good mood!
Jodi came to work with me last night, was good fun. a guy quit coz boss yelled at him so we are now seriously understaffed. good thing that Jodi wants to work!
she rekons i should go to the casino with her on saturday after i finnish work, its AFL grand final and work will be quiet, so that will be fun to go hang out with my sis! wont be doing any gambling tho, broke as! i'm working a few nights a week but some nights its only a few hours, so at the end of the week it doesnt really add up to much. dont mind, just need to pay bills and petrol and smokes, dont really need anything else.
im going down to the galleria now to get Greta some flowers, she bloody deserves them because she works soooo hard.
xx
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
im not giving up
i suppose its been a good thing for me to have this time out, time alone and away from everyday things so i can sort my head. and thats what half the point of the trip over to oz was about.
i know what i want, i want you, i want our life back, i want our family together, its going to be incredible.
i want to rewind two fucking years and be standing with you on our first aniversary at the casino, we had such a great time...
i swear baby im not going to give up, im going to fight for you back and we are going to have an amazing life. things have happened, i know but i can let it go, i can start over with you and the girls, we can have what we wanted all along.
happy anniversary. next year i'm going to marry you again.
Monday, September 21, 2009
ohhhhh
wow saturday night was a big night at work, didnt knock off till one and then had wayyy too many margaritas. oh dear, good times.
yesterday was the fundraiser at the tavern and it was so cool, heaps of people turned up to support greta and dad, there was awesome live music by Jerry and Val and some lovley kiwi blokes came and sang a few songs as well, was wonderful to hear an nz accent! they invited me over on the weekend for a hangi YUM
just cant beleive how awesome the people are around here, Dad has some wonderful friends. will put pics up on facebook in the next day or so, but right now i need an early night! have definatley hit it hard this weekend and need rest.
yesterday was the fundraiser at the tavern and it was so cool, heaps of people turned up to support greta and dad, there was awesome live music by Jerry and Val and some lovley kiwi blokes came and sang a few songs as well, was wonderful to hear an nz accent! they invited me over on the weekend for a hangi YUM
just cant beleive how awesome the people are around here, Dad has some wonderful friends. will put pics up on facebook in the next day or so, but right now i need an early night! have definatley hit it hard this weekend and need rest.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
yayy big smiles
hahaha have had a very nice morning ;) and a nice night out on thurs, was feeling pretty miserable so took myself down to the tavern (owned by friends of dads) and had some beers and some chats, met a boy teeeheeee, had a nice evening. saw him again today.
tomorow is dads fundraiser thingee, should be wikid, he's got saome awesome mates who have totally been suportive, they are great people.
im working again tonight, should be a busy one apparently so will be home late and probably buggered by the time i get here.
good mood today, alot better :D
xx
tomorow is dads fundraiser thingee, should be wikid, he's got saome awesome mates who have totally been suportive, they are great people.
im working again tonight, should be a busy one apparently so will be home late and probably buggered by the time i get here.
good mood today, alot better :D
xx
Thursday, September 17, 2009
working girl!!
lol, i love working. hehe its weird. worked last night, just me and chef/boss, it went pretty well and we had a bunch of drunk chicks come in they were so funny.
highly insulted by some dick face, wont mention names but you and your brother arent welcome here anymore!! meh, doesnt bother me what you think.
one of the things im working on is trying not to care too much about other peoples opinions. i'll get there.
i called the girls tonight, they sound good, george sounds stressed. told him i'd be home in december, i dont know where i'll live yet but thinking of going west so i can go to uni out there. new start and all that.
i miss the kids sooooo much! kate sent some lovley pics of them that made me miss them more, they are sooo cute and luckily havent grown much since i went. but avalon is talking alot more, its beautiful.
bored. bored. nothing to do. no mates, no social life. well its okay, didnt come here to have a damn social life.
dad is sick at the moment, from the chemo. doesnt want to eat anything. i got him to start doing his new puzzle and did some speech therapy with him, but thats about it.
highly insulted by some dick face, wont mention names but you and your brother arent welcome here anymore!! meh, doesnt bother me what you think.
one of the things im working on is trying not to care too much about other peoples opinions. i'll get there.
i called the girls tonight, they sound good, george sounds stressed. told him i'd be home in december, i dont know where i'll live yet but thinking of going west so i can go to uni out there. new start and all that.
i miss the kids sooooo much! kate sent some lovley pics of them that made me miss them more, they are sooo cute and luckily havent grown much since i went. but avalon is talking alot more, its beautiful.
bored. bored. nothing to do. no mates, no social life. well its okay, didnt come here to have a damn social life.
dad is sick at the moment, from the chemo. doesnt want to eat anything. i got him to start doing his new puzzle and did some speech therapy with him, but thats about it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
plenty to do
busy day today, dad had physio this morning and then we did some walking around, i tried to get him to start his new puzzle but he just wants to sit infront of the tv. im worried that he will just give up on trying to get better.
have been trying to do scrapbooking stuff, i have pics from back in may that i havent put in the 2009 album yet... bummer because i dont have all my gear with me but scrapping stuff is soooooooo CHEAP over here!
saw Jodi yesterday, she came for tea for dads bday and stayed a bit.
i've got work again tonight and hopefully it will be a good night. i think im getting used to it, just have to learn the menu better. love mixing drinks lol.
busy busy, off i go
have been trying to do scrapbooking stuff, i have pics from back in may that i havent put in the 2009 album yet... bummer because i dont have all my gear with me but scrapping stuff is soooooooo CHEAP over here!
saw Jodi yesterday, she came for tea for dads bday and stayed a bit.
i've got work again tonight and hopefully it will be a good night. i think im getting used to it, just have to learn the menu better. love mixing drinks lol.
busy busy, off i go
Sunday, September 13, 2009
happy birthday dad!
dads birthday today, he's had heaps of visitors come over and birkey's just taken him down to the pub.
i had a good night at work last night, it was a bit busier and the chick i was working with was nicer then the one on friday. so it was fun, made some cocktails and served yummy food, washed a helluvalot of dishers but doesnt bother me.
i miss the kids like mad and am starting to kinda formulate a plan of what i want to do in my head, but will have to see how things pan out.
dad has more chemo in a few weeks, then a couple of weeks after that he has all the scans and mris etc to see how everything is going, so i definatley want to wait for that.
im homesick, i will be going back to auckland. hopefully not forever, lol wish i could live in qld where the weather is wonderful!!
id love to go back to uni next year, so hopefully things will fall into place. but knowing my luck.... hahaha
i had a good night at work last night, it was a bit busier and the chick i was working with was nicer then the one on friday. so it was fun, made some cocktails and served yummy food, washed a helluvalot of dishers but doesnt bother me.
i miss the kids like mad and am starting to kinda formulate a plan of what i want to do in my head, but will have to see how things pan out.
dad has more chemo in a few weeks, then a couple of weeks after that he has all the scans and mris etc to see how everything is going, so i definatley want to wait for that.
im homesick, i will be going back to auckland. hopefully not forever, lol wish i could live in qld where the weather is wonderful!!
id love to go back to uni next year, so hopefully things will fall into place. but knowing my luck.... hahaha
Saturday, September 12, 2009
just ignore that last post
me having a "meghan moment" lol. all goods. feeling fantastic. definatley keeping feelings to self from now on. sorry to people i worried. not going to top myself, just want to go home. miss the kids more than i miss watties sauce and people not making fun of me saying chips.... chups haha oh, so, so funny you australian retards.
just kidding.
i wish that dad would just magically get better and everything would work out, i could go home to my girls and, well i dont have anything else to go home to since i sold my car and most of my stuff. which is suckarse, but i can start over. it will be grand.
work tonight, should be okay.
oh you know what, fuck it all
shit
got back from the cas and the socalled young persons club. ended up with nothing but my brothers. one of whom said i was too despertae and the other said i was slutty!!!
fuck it all. i wanted to look nice,. for gods awesome sake i wanted someone to chat me up, but not to be. guess the diet hasnt worked even though i wore my hold-me-in knickers. whichc still didnt work and i looked like i was about to birth triplets.
i have beenworking out and have lost some kilos but doesnt fuckin look like it.
do you realise how fucking close to topping myself i am? i suppose not since no one reads this shit,'ive got nothing left. if he doesnt want me, i have nothing.
my children are far better havig a nice memory of me than having the actual experience,.'
if its not happening shortly, expect a last entry
i am nothing
forgotten
fat
unwanted.
i am nothing,
for you
my god
nothing for anyone
my god nothing for anything
i am nothing
forever and
im nothing
forever more,
youll know when i say it
forevermore
i was nothing
my god i was nothing
bless.... my... soul....
i.... love....you...so...
my..... one,
my....only.......love
i am,
nothing
forevermore
forgotten
will be nothing you crave
nothing anyone
desires
i am
nothing anymore,
anything, anyone my god
i am nothing, forever more
my lord, nothing
until.... you save me......
nothing.....
got back from the cas and the socalled young persons club. ended up with nothing but my brothers. one of whom said i was too despertae and the other said i was slutty!!!
fuck it all. i wanted to look nice,. for gods awesome sake i wanted someone to chat me up, but not to be. guess the diet hasnt worked even though i wore my hold-me-in knickers. whichc still didnt work and i looked like i was about to birth triplets.
i have beenworking out and have lost some kilos but doesnt fuckin look like it.
do you realise how fucking close to topping myself i am? i suppose not since no one reads this shit,'ive got nothing left. if he doesnt want me, i have nothing.
my children are far better havig a nice memory of me than having the actual experience,.'
if its not happening shortly, expect a last entry
i am nothing
forgotten
fat
unwanted.
i am nothing,
for you
my god
nothing for anyone
my god nothing for anything
i am nothing
forever and
im nothing
forever more,
youll know when i say it
forevermore
i was nothing
my god i was nothing
bless.... my... soul....
i.... love....you...so...
my..... one,
my....only.......love
i am,
nothing
forevermore
forgotten
will be nothing you crave
nothing anyone
desires
i am
nothing anymore,
anything, anyone my god
i am nothing, forever more
my lord, nothing
until.... you save me......
nothing.....
Friday, September 11, 2009
looking forward to a good night out
well tonight we are all off to some irish pub for dinner and then to the casino for drinks and gambling! its dads birthday on monday so we are celebrating tonight. should be a good night except ray and david arent coming which means i'll be hanging around the oldies (not that i mind) but they are good. Bernie has "adopted" me since her daughter melissa went off on her OE, and she is determined to find me a man!
im sooooooo not into it, i really just can't be bothered. still recovering from when my heart got broken recently. and not really feeling like having a fling of any kind. very self concious about my body latley, scars from stupid upsets ruin me, fat from babies is unattractive, ginormous boobs are a curse...
so yeah i worked last night and it was okay, didnt do much except take orders and serve meals (as waitresses do) and then fold a fuckarse load off napkins. it should be fine, i'm working on sunday night aswell so will be getting used to the menu and layout and all that kind of thing. i had to make cocktails which was strange because i'm a beer kind of chick and had never made a pina colada in my life. ew.
ive got a new dress to wear out tonight and am making a solemn intention of not getting toooo boozed (hahaha) well i'll see. fingers crossed for winnings on the pokies.
love ya
im sooooooo not into it, i really just can't be bothered. still recovering from when my heart got broken recently. and not really feeling like having a fling of any kind. very self concious about my body latley, scars from stupid upsets ruin me, fat from babies is unattractive, ginormous boobs are a curse...
so yeah i worked last night and it was okay, didnt do much except take orders and serve meals (as waitresses do) and then fold a fuckarse load off napkins. it should be fine, i'm working on sunday night aswell so will be getting used to the menu and layout and all that kind of thing. i had to make cocktails which was strange because i'm a beer kind of chick and had never made a pina colada in my life. ew.
ive got a new dress to wear out tonight and am making a solemn intention of not getting toooo boozed (hahaha) well i'll see. fingers crossed for winnings on the pokies.
love ya
Thursday, September 10, 2009
yayy its looking up!!
life is looking up. got myself a job yayy just waitressing at a mexican restaurant, but will be good fun. starts tonight so im a bit nervous.
weather is shit here, lots of wind and rain. not so cold, just stormy.
miss the kids like mad, wish i could see them. web cammed them yesterday while they opened their box of goodies from me, that was so cool. avalon just wanted the chocolate hahah next time i wont bother sending anything but lollies lol. ive started collecting things for the next box, i made them this cute little storybook and i hope they like it.
spoke (well, typed) to matthew yesterday. was strange. not happening. which sucks but is probably a good thing because of all the complications it would have created. ahhhhh.
im totally off blokes.
dad is doing okay, walking around a bit and not feeling too shit after the chemo. we are all looking forward to saturday night.
weather is shit here, lots of wind and rain. not so cold, just stormy.
miss the kids like mad, wish i could see them. web cammed them yesterday while they opened their box of goodies from me, that was so cool. avalon just wanted the chocolate hahah next time i wont bother sending anything but lollies lol. ive started collecting things for the next box, i made them this cute little storybook and i hope they like it.
spoke (well, typed) to matthew yesterday. was strange. not happening. which sucks but is probably a good thing because of all the complications it would have created. ahhhhh.
im totally off blokes.
dad is doing okay, walking around a bit and not feeling too shit after the chemo. we are all looking forward to saturday night.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
lonley
hmmm
dont like being so lonley.
last day of chemo today, well for another 3 weeks at least. dad was feeling a bit shady today, little bit sick although he did heaps of walking.
sigh
i want a job/friend/my kids. applied for like 30 jobs today, hope someone wants me :P
dont like being so lonley.
last day of chemo today, well for another 3 weeks at least. dad was feeling a bit shady today, little bit sick although he did heaps of walking.
sigh
i want a job/friend/my kids. applied for like 30 jobs today, hope someone wants me :P
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
another day of chemo
took dad to the hospital for another lot of chemo today, it wasnt as long as yesterday but stressful because we saw a young lady get very sick while having her poisin. it was scary.
still feeling down. looking forward to saturday night; we are all going out to tea and then the casino to celebrate dads birthday which is on monday.
applied for a couple more jobs today, if i dont get one soon i am going to scream. down to my last $100 eeeek. possibly a few nights work at the tavern for me, hmmm put an alcoholic behind a bar?????
i made this beautiful story book for the girls, its about them being fairies and having an adventure, i scrapped it all and it looks really beautiful. i hope they like it. talked to them on the phone today, Chandra was good to talk to, she said she misses me heaps. Lonnie didnt want to talk to me, she was watching a movie and not happy about being shoved a phone! that really made me sad. i miss her like crazy. George said shes turning into a little shit, YUP terrible twos! still love them both.
i wish i could do something for Greta. she is so stressed and miserable.
still feeling down. looking forward to saturday night; we are all going out to tea and then the casino to celebrate dads birthday which is on monday.
applied for a couple more jobs today, if i dont get one soon i am going to scream. down to my last $100 eeeek. possibly a few nights work at the tavern for me, hmmm put an alcoholic behind a bar?????
i made this beautiful story book for the girls, its about them being fairies and having an adventure, i scrapped it all and it looks really beautiful. i hope they like it. talked to them on the phone today, Chandra was good to talk to, she said she misses me heaps. Lonnie didnt want to talk to me, she was watching a movie and not happy about being shoved a phone! that really made me sad. i miss her like crazy. George said shes turning into a little shit, YUP terrible twos! still love them both.
i wish i could do something for Greta. she is so stressed and miserable.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
ick
meghan, you should remember to NOTtalk about your feelingswhile drunk, instead bottle them up inside!
hmmm. i didnt mean to send that email, sorry. not that it matters.
anyways im at a public computer with the loudest keyboard in the world, at Hollywood hospital while Dad has his chemo.
its going to be a long day today; 6 hours of sitting with that shit dripping into his arm. very boring just sitting there but i want to be there for him so.will read plenty of old cosmos and womens days.
dont think we will have time to do anything else today, I NEED A JOB!! im getting very low on funds.
hmmm. i didnt mean to send that email, sorry. not that it matters.
anyways im at a public computer with the loudest keyboard in the world, at Hollywood hospital while Dad has his chemo.
its going to be a long day today; 6 hours of sitting with that shit dripping into his arm. very boring just sitting there but i want to be there for him so.will read plenty of old cosmos and womens days.
dont think we will have time to do anything else today, I NEED A JOB!! im getting very low on funds.
feeling like a burning arsehole
feel sick with lonliness.
rejection. not good enough. fucking disgusting, whatever.
fucking hate this.
happy fathers day dad, and george, well done sweet.
the kids are hard work. but they are well worth it and i wish i was home with them now, i need lonnies squeezy cuddles and chandra's telling offs, she is so great. wat a mum.
just going to listen ti slipknot and five finger death punch, remember about how much matthew loved me.
then isten to 3dg illllll let you dowwwwnn lll..... let you down
i will always let you down so never beleive in me
fuck ya
rejection. not good enough. fucking disgusting, whatever.
fucking hate this.
happy fathers day dad, and george, well done sweet.
the kids are hard work. but they are well worth it and i wish i was home with them now, i need lonnies squeezy cuddles and chandra's telling offs, she is so great. wat a mum.
just going to listen ti slipknot and five finger death punch, remember about how much matthew loved me.
then isten to 3dg illllll let you dowwwwnn lll..... let you down
i will always let you down so never beleive in me
fuck ya
Saturday, September 5, 2009
just another day
^^^ me and Raymond when we went out for tea on mondaygod im so boring. nothing new to report.
ummm lets see. worked out for like 20 hours, okay maybe not 20 but a couple and felt a bit better afterwards. took a random drive out to Joondalup to a scrapbooking shop and got a few bits an peices. since i have photos from may to put in my album.
mmm. told matt to fuck the hell off.
then cried lots.
smoked an awful lot, bought dad some stupid tshirts (they say things like fuck off and crap like that, but thats the kind of thing he likes) for fathers day tomorrow. i usually give my mum a fathers day card since she was pretty much the only dad i had growing up. but i decided not to this year, she has probably just about disowned me by now, her olderst daughter a great big failure, a fucking disappointment.
well, when im an old bag like mum, my kids could be p-addicted prostitutes who owed me $10,000 and i would still love them passionatley, still help them out and never ever say the D word to them. because its that fucking work that stings the most.
its always been like that. i have never ever felt good enough for her. i dont know wether she expcted more of me, or if i was just generally a let down from the day i was born.
talked to the kids on webcam tonight and it was so wonderful. even though they didnt really seem too interested in talking to me. i miss them alot, every night i lay next to my laptop and watch movies of them and fall asleep to their pictures.
but im glad for the break. even though i feel more insane here than i did there. not true. maybe just more bored, lonley and depressed here. back in auckland it was stress all round, trying so hard not to let my kids down. i dont want them to think i wasnt a good enough mother, coz i did everything i could, guess full time single parenting isnt for everyone. i hope that george is managing okay with them. but he has lots of help if he needs it. i think next weekend he's getting a weekend off which will be really good, i remember looking forward to those!
still feeling pretty shitty in general. but day by day.
oh and i decided what i would like to do next year. but i dont know where i will be.
life is such a game.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
can someone come be my mate?
im so lonley.
im not feeling great today, a bit low. even shopping didnt help much. i got a few bits and peices for my scrapbook, it will give me something to do.
the interveiw went so-so but not looking great coz he said they have heaps of applicants. i just need a damn job, i dont care what or where, just need to have something to look forward to.
dad isnt really able to have a proper conversation with anyone, his brain is still re-wiring itself. we bought him scrabble today to help with the rehabilitation of his mind. took him for a blood test today which will be sent to the specialist by monday, monday is his first day of this chemo treatment.
got him some new slippers that will be easier to put on and off by himself, he still needs to maintain his independance as much as possible.
going to walk for an hour on the treadmill and then go to sleep. feeling really shit. i talked to M today, maybe thats why. it was strange. i miss him so fucking much.
ugh.
im not feeling great today, a bit low. even shopping didnt help much. i got a few bits and peices for my scrapbook, it will give me something to do.
the interveiw went so-so but not looking great coz he said they have heaps of applicants. i just need a damn job, i dont care what or where, just need to have something to look forward to.
dad isnt really able to have a proper conversation with anyone, his brain is still re-wiring itself. we bought him scrabble today to help with the rehabilitation of his mind. took him for a blood test today which will be sent to the specialist by monday, monday is his first day of this chemo treatment.
got him some new slippers that will be easier to put on and off by himself, he still needs to maintain his independance as much as possible.
going to walk for an hour on the treadmill and then go to sleep. feeling really shit. i talked to M today, maybe thats why. it was strange. i miss him so fucking much.
ugh.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
on the work out buzz
so dad and Greta have a gym at home and since i dont have anything else to do i jumped on treadmill for a while and wow feeling good. sore and tired, but good. maybe excersizing will help me sleep tonight? oh, and get skinny. might go back on that black tea n ciggie diet that worked so well last time. quite self concious about my body, so time to do something about it i suppose.
went out for tea last night with David and Raymond, was nice to get out of the house and socialise with someone my own age.
dad is doing very well today, speech therapy this morning and physio at lunchtime. he's well worn out now, but i gotta make him eat something! he doesnt have much of an appetite and he has lost so much weight recently. i dont know if it was since the first lot of chemo or the stroke, but he is skin and bones. i make him drink these YUM protein shakes..... with raw egg... eeeeewww. he hates them, but he has gotta stay strong.
ive got another job interveiw tomorrow, fingers crossed even though it would be a shit arse job, it would mean i could be here more often for dad.
im pretty lonley, bored but have been finding things to occupy myself.
hmmm
went out for tea last night with David and Raymond, was nice to get out of the house and socialise with someone my own age.
dad is doing very well today, speech therapy this morning and physio at lunchtime. he's well worn out now, but i gotta make him eat something! he doesnt have much of an appetite and he has lost so much weight recently. i dont know if it was since the first lot of chemo or the stroke, but he is skin and bones. i make him drink these YUM protein shakes..... with raw egg... eeeeewww. he hates them, but he has gotta stay strong.
ive got another job interveiw tomorrow, fingers crossed even though it would be a shit arse job, it would mean i could be here more often for dad.
im pretty lonley, bored but have been finding things to occupy myself.
hmmm
Monday, August 31, 2009
ahhh
yesterday i had a job interveiw and it went very well i thought, it would be wikid job to have and im all qualified properly for it, community support is what i just finnished at Uni.
but i dont know... im not really here to advance my career, and the job sounds quite full on. if i just went down the road to sizzler and worked there maybe it would be better, i would have more time to look after dad and i could work while Greta is at home.
there are so many appointments this week! speech, physio, OT, homecare etc. next week is the dreaded Chemo week. not looking forward to that, or the after effects.
ive got a box of lovley things ready to go for the kids, i miss them heaps. i hope that they miss me? what if i get back and they dont want to know me? what if i get back and George decides that he doesnt want to give them to me at all? i guess that was all a risk i took when i left. stupid girl. fucked my own life really havent i.
i cant sleep. i can never sleep. i have no damn pills, i tried yoga but almost broke my leg doing it. drank herbal tea etc but no avail. ended up having a few beers to get me off to sleep which worked but i had horrific nightmares/flashbacks and would wake up in cold sweats and crying, feeling like i was going to vomit everywhere. ah, life was easier when i just went to bed and had nice medications knock me out. im getting really tired during the day from this lack of sleep.
im lonley.
dont really know what to do with myself. be better once i start work i suppose.
but i dont know... im not really here to advance my career, and the job sounds quite full on. if i just went down the road to sizzler and worked there maybe it would be better, i would have more time to look after dad and i could work while Greta is at home.
there are so many appointments this week! speech, physio, OT, homecare etc. next week is the dreaded Chemo week. not looking forward to that, or the after effects.
ive got a box of lovley things ready to go for the kids, i miss them heaps. i hope that they miss me? what if i get back and they dont want to know me? what if i get back and George decides that he doesnt want to give them to me at all? i guess that was all a risk i took when i left. stupid girl. fucked my own life really havent i.
i cant sleep. i can never sleep. i have no damn pills, i tried yoga but almost broke my leg doing it. drank herbal tea etc but no avail. ended up having a few beers to get me off to sleep which worked but i had horrific nightmares/flashbacks and would wake up in cold sweats and crying, feeling like i was going to vomit everywhere. ah, life was easier when i just went to bed and had nice medications knock me out. im getting really tired during the day from this lack of sleep.
im lonley.
dont really know what to do with myself. be better once i start work i suppose.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
ya'll wanna single say fuck that
love my kids but i may just never go back to nz.
friends betray, dont understand, take someone elses side. and no im not perfect and yes ive had some fuck ups.
i get it. im nothing much,
you dont have to be my friend if you dont want to, i dont give a rats. i love you, you have made my life bearable and done so much for me. without you i would be gone already
and here i am.
yay for bag of blood on monday morning, i am B+ and maybe they will give me something harder if i say i am in pain. yes, if you dont know whatim talking about then speak to jesus, he loves me no mater what,
fuck ya
friends betray, dont understand, take someone elses side. and no im not perfect and yes ive had some fuck ups.
i get it. im nothing much,
you dont have to be my friend if you dont want to, i dont give a rats. i love you, you have made my life bearable and done so much for me. without you i would be gone already
and here i am.
yay for bag of blood on monday morning, i am B+ and maybe they will give me something harder if i say i am in pain. yes, if you dont know whatim talking about then speak to jesus, he loves me no mater what,
fuck ya
Friday, August 28, 2009
hmmm
good fun last night, got rather sloshed at home. dad was having a rough day, he didnt want to do anything and he had a couple of sleeps. he's looking and feeling better today, we sat out in the sunshine this morning, BEAUTIFUL! loving the weather, not missing aucklands rain/wind etc.
I got to see the kids on webcam yesterday when they were at Kates, they look happy and stuff and i miss them heaps.
pic is of me out-drinking raymond last night, haha beaten by a girl!!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
ahhh, the hard work begins....
the past few days have been alright, Dad has managed to walk for a bit with the help of a quad stick, which is great! he's alot more confident having someone around all the time. i try and make him walk from the dining room outside into the sunshine each morning, then take him a protein (ew) shake and he chills out for a bit and walks back inside.
we went to charlies for physio today and although i am NOT feeling great atm it was really interesting seeing what the physio said and what excersizes dad has been given as 'homework'. today made him very tired though.
i went to the galleria and got a few more bits and pieces for this kids gift box which i will probably send next week.
ive got a job interveiw with the Autism Association on monday! as a community support worker, which is (duh) what i trained as at uni. fingers crossed, it sounds like a wikid job.
i am missing the kids heeeaaapps, they sound so grown up on the phone! George sounds like he is having a tough time.
i finally got the net sorted today, went and got a mobile broadband stick so have internet access whenever yayy!! can't wait to webcam the girls tomorrow afternoon.
i think im getting used to the time difference here, still having trouble sleeping because i wake up wondering why there arent little monsters in my bed or weeeing on me... hmm. strange to sleep alone.
have been sussing a few churches for sunday service, not sure ive got the balls to go alone. well i went by myself to both churches in aucks, so i spose i can do this.
okay, time for beers
love you
we went to charlies for physio today and although i am NOT feeling great atm it was really interesting seeing what the physio said and what excersizes dad has been given as 'homework'. today made him very tired though.
i went to the galleria and got a few more bits and pieces for this kids gift box which i will probably send next week.
ive got a job interveiw with the Autism Association on monday! as a community support worker, which is (duh) what i trained as at uni. fingers crossed, it sounds like a wikid job.
i am missing the kids heeeaaapps, they sound so grown up on the phone! George sounds like he is having a tough time.
i finally got the net sorted today, went and got a mobile broadband stick so have internet access whenever yayy!! can't wait to webcam the girls tomorrow afternoon.
i think im getting used to the time difference here, still having trouble sleeping because i wake up wondering why there arent little monsters in my bed or weeeing on me... hmm. strange to sleep alone.
have been sussing a few churches for sunday service, not sure ive got the balls to go alone. well i went by myself to both churches in aucks, so i spose i can do this.
okay, time for beers
love you
Sunday, August 23, 2009
hello, Perth
well im in perth now, the internet isnt running at dads so i am on some computer in the middle of a massive mall... got totally lost in this maze of a place.
dad is okay... hes really bored and doesnt want to do much, i think he isnt too keen on getting out of the house even though thats the whole damn reason i came here. he is keeping himself "occupied" with a jigsaw puzzle and crappy daytime tv.
havent seen my SLACK sister yet hahaha, will have to chase her down.
miss my kids soooo much, i went and got them some pressies today and will post them off soon. what a crappy shitarse mistake, i dont feel quite right without them.
im dying to get on msn to webcam them, but without the net running at dads with the time difference it will be tricky.,
anyways.
love you
dad is okay... hes really bored and doesnt want to do much, i think he isnt too keen on getting out of the house even though thats the whole damn reason i came here. he is keeping himself "occupied" with a jigsaw puzzle and crappy daytime tv.
havent seen my SLACK sister yet hahaha, will have to chase her down.
miss my kids soooo much, i went and got them some pressies today and will post them off soon. what a crappy shitarse mistake, i dont feel quite right without them.
im dying to get on msn to webcam them, but without the net running at dads with the time difference it will be tricky.,
anyways.
love you
Friday, August 21, 2009
last day in cairns
^^^^^ all i did in cairns was drink. and fall down alot.flying out tonight to Perth, cant wait to see dad. hopefully we can spend all next week going for walks and getting out of the house etc. will try to convince him to come to church with me, cant make up my mind which one though, ive been on a couple of their websites and wow its all pretty much the same isnt it, i can worship God wherever i like and it doesnt make too much difference. but church hunting and friend hunting are hand in hand, but I LIKE MY OLD FRIENDS AND I WANT THEM TO COME AND LIVE HERE!!!!
dont know when the net will be up at dads, so will talk soon
love you
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
CRIKEY
crikey i love this song, matt was playing the origninal "thoughtless"by Korn, but i think the evanescence cover is much better. amy lee is soooooooooooo hot. id do her in a second.
and evanescence has always done it for me, i dont know if its the hot black haired chick or the angry goth music that does it for me.
right now, in this very second i probably think that i am 99.9% unhappy. cant wait to get to dads. his tumor has shrunk 40%!!!!! since his cancer was diagnosed. which is incredible.
i know i seem weird to some people. actually to most. maybe they should fucking well read my memoirs. tasha has a great book. oh i have also started writing a wonderful book called i want to die, its an insight on the MOH's suicide prevention strategy, which i think is shit. if anyone wants a copy, just let me know.
yeah i totally love avril and fucking what.
beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming. yeah i hate what ive become....... mmm. you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming.....
gosh i love you (1930 called, it wants its lingo back)
yeah sweeeeeet
meg
and evanescence has always done it for me, i dont know if its the hot black haired chick or the angry goth music that does it for me.
right now, in this very second i probably think that i am 99.9% unhappy. cant wait to get to dads. his tumor has shrunk 40%!!!!! since his cancer was diagnosed. which is incredible.
i know i seem weird to some people. actually to most. maybe they should fucking well read my memoirs. tasha has a great book. oh i have also started writing a wonderful book called i want to die, its an insight on the MOH's suicide prevention strategy, which i think is shit. if anyone wants a copy, just let me know.
yeah i totally love avril and fucking what.
beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming. yeah i hate what ive become....... mmm. you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming.....
gosh i love you (1930 called, it wants its lingo back)
yeah sweeeeeet
meg
Sunday, August 16, 2009
arrived in cairns.... hmmm
k, here i am, flights were alright. i slept on the auck-sydney one with help of my lovley zoppies, but ended up snoring and dribbling. hmmm. second flight to cairns was squishy and the food was crap. but arrived on time, got all my stuff together and went to matts. which was weird.
anyways.
missing the girls a wee bit, wondering how their first day at daycare went today. the weather is beautiful, sorry for all you aucklanders stuck with the crying skies hahahaha
love you
anyways.
missing the girls a wee bit, wondering how their first day at daycare went today. the weather is beautiful, sorry for all you aucklanders stuck with the crying skies hahahaha
love you
Saturday, August 15, 2009
last night!!
wow, already its my last night in NZ. we had a wikid time last night where my besties came and we all got on the booze, had so much fun and laughed until we got abs... lol. Stacey and i have this incredibly embarrasing video from when we were like 14, we pissed ourselves laughing at our lameness!
i LOVE my new hair, as soon as i saw it i went "ahhh, welcome back real meghan" yay black n pink.
was so sad saying bye to the kids at georges today. Chandra was pretty oh well about the whole thing, but Lonnie kept trying to give me cuddles and it was so hard to walk away from her. i love them so much, this break is going to do wonders though.
so yay, Cairns tomorrow AKWARD hmmm, matts status now reads single so obviously things arent going to work out. dreams are free i suppose but when it gets down to it.... ugh.
anyways. need to have sleep since i gotta wake up at 2.45am!!!!!!!
love you all
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
ok so all tickets are booked and paid... leaving auckland @ 7am 16th to go to Cairns via Sydney, and then on the 22nd Cairns to Perth. i tried to find a flight sooner to perth from cairns but OMG @ prices of airfares! i ended up getting one for $280 but if i had wanted to fly out on the tuesday it wouldve cost $600 wtf??
Cairns is going to be weird... ive gotta pick up all the things i left behind at Matthews house, mainly clothes but also one of my scrapbooks.
doesnt look like i will be going back there, which actually literally breaks my heart. im not even sure i will be able to handle 6 days there. i think i will cope by drinking an awful lot hahaha. no wine though guys lol
im looking forward to seeing Dad, once i am there he will be able to come out of the rehab unit and come home! i will be able to look after him during the day, and when Greta gets back from work i will hopefully have a job to go to... was thinking of applying at Hungry Jacks and then saying "welcome to BURGER KING can i help you? whats that, you want a BK chicken?" lmao well i dont know what ill do for a job anyways. ive applied at a couple of nearby nursing homes; back to wiping arses. all good.
trying to think of something good to do with the kids but i have no idea at this stage.
x
Cairns is going to be weird... ive gotta pick up all the things i left behind at Matthews house, mainly clothes but also one of my scrapbooks.
doesnt look like i will be going back there, which actually literally breaks my heart. im not even sure i will be able to handle 6 days there. i think i will cope by drinking an awful lot hahaha. no wine though guys lol
im looking forward to seeing Dad, once i am there he will be able to come out of the rehab unit and come home! i will be able to look after him during the day, and when Greta gets back from work i will hopefully have a job to go to... was thinking of applying at Hungry Jacks and then saying "welcome to BURGER KING can i help you? whats that, you want a BK chicken?" lmao well i dont know what ill do for a job anyways. ive applied at a couple of nearby nursing homes; back to wiping arses. all good.
trying to think of something good to do with the kids but i have no idea at this stage.
x
scary scary scary
hmm. the past few days have really been suck... the kids have been hard work and we have done alot of walking to say the least. ive only got two days left with them before the move to their Dad's place. I know things will be better for them there, they have a cute little room thats all decorated girly and pink, and a huge lounge to run around in.
tomorrow they dont have any daycare so i think we are going to make the most of our time together and do something fun; go to the park, each icecreams all day and watch movies in bed. i have been snuggling in with them at nighttime just to get the extra time in with them, Lonnie gives the BEST cuddles ever. she puts her little hand under my neck and pulls me in close, its so lovley.
i am pretty scared about leaving the girls. im scared that they will hate me for it when they are older, scared that our bond will be broken. But i know that if i dont go, i will end up going insane and have even worse Daddy issues than before if i miss out on spending time with Dad.
so we're going to have drinks on friday night to say see ya which should be nice.
gonna go get wasted on codeine and zoppies now.
xxxx
tomorrow they dont have any daycare so i think we are going to make the most of our time together and do something fun; go to the park, each icecreams all day and watch movies in bed. i have been snuggling in with them at nighttime just to get the extra time in with them, Lonnie gives the BEST cuddles ever. she puts her little hand under my neck and pulls me in close, its so lovley.
i am pretty scared about leaving the girls. im scared that they will hate me for it when they are older, scared that our bond will be broken. But i know that if i dont go, i will end up going insane and have even worse Daddy issues than before if i miss out on spending time with Dad.
so we're going to have drinks on friday night to say see ya which should be nice.
gonna go get wasted on codeine and zoppies now.
xxxx
Sunday, August 9, 2009
haaaa. things im gonna miss when im gone... my kids, kate, lori, cee-jae, lying on the couch, SHORTLAND STREET! snuggling with the girls in bed, having bubble baths and splashing lots, my friends and family, knowing where i am going when i leave the house, burger king (although i am gonna get a job at HJ's and say "welcome to BURGER KING can i take your order? what, you want a BK chicken?" hahaha
not going to miss taking kids on bus, being poor and moneyless, feeling useless, the messy house, endless washing, crap auckland weather, bad daytime tv, sharing a bed.
i told the daycare that it was the girls last day on friday and the teacher cried, then i cried and it was all just a big cry fest. they really love their daycare, and it will be so sad for them to leave.
6 days to go....
not going to miss taking kids on bus, being poor and moneyless, feeling useless, the messy house, endless washing, crap auckland weather, bad daytime tv, sharing a bed.
i told the daycare that it was the girls last day on friday and the teacher cried, then i cried and it was all just a big cry fest. they really love their daycare, and it will be so sad for them to leave.
6 days to go....
the countdown... one week till take off
soo, less than a week until i will be in Oz, am feeling quite nervous about leaving the kids and leaving Kate :( and everyone else behind... but i am looking forward to having a break, seeing my Dad and having a chance to get my head together. the last few years havent exactly been easy and i think that if i dont go soon i will be no use to anyone!
today we took some of the girls things to their Dads house, they have a lovley pink girly room there and once all their things are in it will be just perfect. this is their last week at ABC daycare, and they start a new daycare closer to their Dads place next week.
going to spend this week having fun with them and loving them lots.... lots of photos, lots of happy times.
xx
today we took some of the girls things to their Dads house, they have a lovley pink girly room there and once all their things are in it will be just perfect. this is their last week at ABC daycare, and they start a new daycare closer to their Dads place next week.
going to spend this week having fun with them and loving them lots.... lots of photos, lots of happy times.
xx
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