ahhh

yesterday i had a job interveiw and it went very well i thought, it would be wikid job to have and im all qualified properly for it, community support is what i just finnished at Uni.
but i dont know... im not really here to advance my career, and the job sounds quite full on. if i just went down the road to sizzler and worked there maybe it would be better, i would have more time to look after dad and i could work while Greta is at home.
there are so many appointments this week! speech, physio, OT, homecare etc. next week is the dreaded Chemo week. not looking forward to that, or the after effects.
ive got a box of lovley things ready to go for the kids, i miss them heaps. i hope that they miss me? what if i get back and they dont want to know me? what if i get back and George decides that he doesnt want to give them to me at all? i guess that was all a risk i took when i left. stupid girl. fucked my own life really havent i.
i cant sleep. i can never sleep. i have no damn pills, i tried yoga but almost broke my leg doing it. drank herbal tea etc but no avail. ended up having a few beers to get me off to sleep which worked but i had horrific nightmares/flashbacks and would wake up in cold sweats and crying, feeling like i was going to vomit everywhere. ah, life was easier when i just went to bed and had nice medications knock me out. im getting really tired during the day from this lack of sleep.
im lonley.
dont really know what to do with myself. be better once i start work i suppose.

ya'll wanna single say fuck that

love my kids but i may just never go back to nz.
friends betray, dont understand, take someone elses side. and no im not perfect and yes ive had some fuck ups.
i get it. im nothing much,
you dont have to be my friend if you dont want to, i dont give a rats. i love you, you have made my life bearable and done so much for me. without you i would be gone already
and here i am.
yay for bag of blood on monday morning, i am B+ and maybe they will give me something harder if i say i am in pain. yes, if you dont know whatim talking about then speak to jesus, he loves me no mater what,
fuck ya

hmmm

good fun last night, got rather sloshed at home. dad was having a rough day, he didnt want to do anything and he had a couple of sleeps. he's looking and feeling better today, we sat out in the sunshine this morning, BEAUTIFUL! loving the weather, not missing aucklands rain/wind etc.

I got to see the kids on webcam yesterday when they were at Kates, they look happy and stuff and i miss them heaps.

pic is of me out-drinking raymond last night, haha beaten by a girl!!

ahhh, the hard work begins....

the past few days have been alright, Dad has managed to walk for a bit with the help of a quad stick, which is great! he's alot more confident having someone around all the time. i try and make him walk from the dining room outside into the sunshine each morning, then take him a protein (ew) shake and he chills out for a bit and walks back inside.
we went to charlies for physio today and although i am NOT feeling great atm it was really interesting seeing what the physio said and what excersizes dad has been given as 'homework'. today made him very tired though.
i went to the galleria and got a few more bits and pieces for this kids gift box which i will probably send next week.
ive got a job interveiw with the Autism Association on monday! as a community support worker, which is (duh) what i trained as at uni. fingers crossed, it sounds like a wikid job.
i am missing the kids heeeaaapps, they sound so grown up on the phone! George sounds like he is having a tough time.
i finally got the net sorted today, went and got a mobile broadband stick so have internet access whenever yayy!! can't wait to webcam the girls tomorrow afternoon.
i think im getting used to the time difference here, still having trouble sleeping because i wake up wondering why there arent little monsters in my bed or weeeing on me... hmm. strange to sleep alone.
have been sussing a few churches for sunday service, not sure ive got the balls to go alone. well i went by myself to both churches in aucks, so i spose i can do this.
okay, time for beers
love you

hello, Perth

well im in perth now, the internet isnt running at dads so i am on some computer in the middle of a massive mall... got totally lost in this maze of a place.
dad is okay... hes really bored and doesnt want to do much, i think he isnt too keen on getting out of the house even though thats the whole damn reason i came here. he is keeping himself "occupied" with a jigsaw puzzle and crappy daytime tv.
havent seen my SLACK sister yet hahaha, will have to chase her down.
miss my kids soooo much, i went and got them some pressies today and will post them off soon. what a crappy shitarse mistake, i dont feel quite right without them.
im dying to get on msn to webcam them, but without the net running at dads with the time difference it will be tricky.,
anyways.
love you

last day in cairns

^^^^^ all i did in cairns was drink. and fall down alot.

flying out tonight to Perth, cant wait to see dad. hopefully we can spend all next week going for walks and getting out of the house etc. will try to convince him to come to church with me, cant make up my mind which one though, ive been on a couple of their websites and wow its all pretty much the same isnt it, i can worship God wherever i like and it doesnt make too much difference. but church hunting and friend hunting are hand in hand, but I LIKE MY OLD FRIENDS AND I WANT THEM TO COME AND LIVE HERE!!!!

dont know when the net will be up at dads, so will talk soon

love you

think i might

i dont know
hurts.
nothing
as usual.
lori has my letter.
love ya

CRIKEY

crikey i love this song, matt was playing the origninal "thoughtless"by Korn, but i think the evanescence cover is much better. amy lee is soooooooooooo hot. id do her in a second.
and evanescence has always done it for me, i dont know if its the hot black haired chick or the angry goth music that does it for me.
right now, in this very second i probably think that i am 99.9% unhappy. cant wait to get to dads. his tumor has shrunk 40%!!!!! since his cancer was diagnosed. which is incredible.
i know i seem weird to some people. actually to most. maybe they should fucking well read my memoirs. tasha has a great book. oh i have also started writing a wonderful book called i want to die, its an insight on the MOH's suicide prevention strategy, which i think is shit. if anyone wants a copy, just let me know.
yeah i totally love avril and fucking what.
beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming. yeah i hate what ive become....... mmm. you can try to tear me down, beat me to the ground, i will see you screaming.....
gosh i love you (1930 called, it wants its lingo back)
yeah sweeeeeet
meg

arrived in cairns.... hmmm

k, here i am, flights were alright. i slept on the auck-sydney one with help of my lovley zoppies, but ended up snoring and dribbling. hmmm. second flight to cairns was squishy and the food was crap. but arrived on time, got all my stuff together and went to matts. which was weird.
anyways.
missing the girls a wee bit, wondering how their first day at daycare went today. the weather is beautiful, sorry for all you aucklanders stuck with the crying skies hahahaha
love you

last night!!

wow, already its my last night in NZ. we had a wikid time last night where my besties came and we all got on the booze, had so much fun and laughed until we got abs... lol. Stacey and i have this incredibly embarrasing video from when we were like 14, we pissed ourselves laughing at our lameness!

i LOVE my new hair, as soon as i saw it i went "ahhh, welcome back real meghan" yay black n pink.

was so sad saying bye to the kids at georges today. Chandra was pretty oh well about the whole thing, but Lonnie kept trying to give me cuddles and it was so hard to walk away from her. i love them so much, this break is going to do wonders though.

so yay, Cairns tomorrow AKWARD hmmm, matts status now reads single so obviously things arent going to work out. dreams are free i suppose but when it gets down to it.... ugh.

anyways. need to have sleep since i gotta wake up at 2.45am!!!!!!!

love you all

ok so all tickets are booked and paid... leaving auckland @ 7am 16th to go to Cairns via Sydney, and then on the 22nd Cairns to Perth. i tried to find a flight sooner to perth from cairns but OMG @ prices of airfares! i ended up getting one for $280 but if i had wanted to fly out on the tuesday it wouldve cost $600 wtf??
Cairns is going to be weird... ive gotta pick up all the things i left behind at Matthews house, mainly clothes but also one of my scrapbooks.
doesnt look like i will be going back there, which actually literally breaks my heart. im not even sure i will be able to handle 6 days there. i think i will cope by drinking an awful lot hahaha. no wine though guys lol
im looking forward to seeing Dad, once i am there he will be able to come out of the rehab unit and come home! i will be able to look after him during the day, and when Greta gets back from work i will hopefully have a job to go to... was thinking of applying at Hungry Jacks and then saying "welcome to BURGER KING can i help you? whats that, you want a BK chicken?" lmao well i dont know what ill do for a job anyways. ive applied at a couple of nearby nursing homes; back to wiping arses. all good.
trying to think of something good to do with the kids but i have no idea at this stage.
x

scary scary scary

hmm. the past few days have really been suck... the kids have been hard work and we have done alot of walking to say the least. ive only got two days left with them before the move to their Dad's place. I know things will be better for them there, they have a cute little room thats all decorated girly and pink, and a huge lounge to run around in.
tomorrow they dont have any daycare so i think we are going to make the most of our time together and do something fun; go to the park, each icecreams all day and watch movies in bed. i have been snuggling in with them at nighttime just to get the extra time in with them, Lonnie gives the BEST cuddles ever. she puts her little hand under my neck and pulls me in close, its so lovley.
i am pretty scared about leaving the girls. im scared that they will hate me for it when they are older, scared that our bond will be broken. But i know that if i dont go, i will end up going insane and have even worse Daddy issues than before if i miss out on spending time with Dad.
so we're going to have drinks on friday night to say see ya which should be nice.
gonna go get wasted on codeine and zoppies now.
xxxx

haaaa. things im gonna miss when im gone... my kids, kate, lori, cee-jae, lying on the couch, SHORTLAND STREET! snuggling with the girls in bed, having bubble baths and splashing lots, my friends and family, knowing where i am going when i leave the house, burger king (although i am gonna get a job at HJ's and say "welcome to BURGER KING can i take your order? what, you want a BK chicken?" hahaha
not going to miss taking kids on bus, being poor and moneyless, feeling useless, the messy house, endless washing, crap auckland weather, bad daytime tv, sharing a bed.

i told the daycare that it was the girls last day on friday and the teacher cried, then i cried and it was all just a big cry fest. they really love their daycare, and it will be so sad for them to leave.
6 days to go....

the countdown... one week till take off

soo, less than a week until i will be in Oz, am feeling quite nervous about leaving the kids and leaving Kate :( and everyone else behind... but i am looking forward to having a break, seeing my Dad and having a chance to get my head together. the last few years havent exactly been easy and i think that if i dont go soon i will be no use to anyone!
today we took some of the girls things to their Dads house, they have a lovley pink girly room there and once all their things are in it will be just perfect. this is their last week at ABC daycare, and they start a new daycare closer to their Dads place next week.
going to spend this week having fun with them and loving them lots.... lots of photos, lots of happy times.
xx