oh fuck it all

ive gotta get this out of my system. im well aware that you dont read this, and i dont give a fuck if you never see this, i just need to get it out.
i am fucking BROKEN without you, sitting here listening to death punch thinking about the first time i heard it, on the phone to you for hours and hours, all those fucking hours of talking, sometimes of silence, just being. fuck? bawling my fuckin eyes out because you were fucking IT and my god i gave everything up for you, i just so wanted to be with you. even forgave you for sleeping with her, something i would never do for anyone else. you were it.
everything i listen to reminds me of you. why? all the fucking hours we sat on msn webcamming, talking, all the youtube/facebook/youtube that went on. every fucking song on my goddamn playlist has you written all over it,
that first time i came over, it was like magic. i was just about to not get back on the plane to go home, i fucking cried the whole way home because i was so scared i would never see you again.
we fitted just right? i guess life takes everyone down different roads and fuck.
i know, its over, im better off without you, youre better off without me.
but im not okay. i am not okay without you, knowing i will never see you again, never lie with you in bed watching movies, never sit out on the balcony drinking with you. nothing will be the same for me ever again. its just fuckin shattered me.

i remember when all the games began, remember every little lie and every last goodbye...
promises you broke, words you choked on
and i never walked away
its still a mystery to me

well im so empty
im better off without you
and youre better off without me
youre so unclean,
im better off without you and
youre better off without me.

paint the mirrors black to forget you
i still picture your face
and the way you used to taste
roses in a glass
dead and wilted
to you this all was nothing
everything to you was nothing

...... well as wikid as you are
you're beautiful to me
...... you're the darkest burning star
you're my
perfect
desire

its over.... now.

i love 5fdp!

yayyy new album today! stupid girl, had a big old cry to The Bleeding, fucking hell. just when i had kinda stopped being upset over it all. no, i dont think i'll stop being upset over it, but it was on my mind less. until now. arse. and to make it worse listened to all the other fucking songs on playlist from "that" couple of months. ick. why does music make me cry?
all goods, and i dont think i'll go out with Jodi tonight coz im broke unless the boss pays me tonight but usually he pays on sundays, and ive gotta chuck most of it in the bank. only think ill get about $150, havent done many hours this week. better than nothing tho right and gets me out of the house which is nice.
beautiful sunny day again, not too hot tho maybe about 21 degrees, wind is a bit cold. sat outside reading in the sun again so i could tan up.
talked to the kids before, Lonnie sounds very good and grown up. theyre going to the movies with Ouma tonight which should be fun for them, ive never had the guts to take both of them to the movies at the same time. would be a disaster. would be okay if i had a hubby. yes, you.

yay sunshine!

sunshine!! have spent the day outside in the courtyard just reading a book... fantasticly relaxing. trying to get my legs up to "aussie colour" but they havent seen the sun in years.
dads had a really great day today, he seemed very motivated and got outside and did a couple of little jobs, asked me tot ake him to the tavern, and has been in a really good mood!
Jodi came to work with me last night, was good fun. a guy quit coz boss yelled at him so we are now seriously understaffed. good thing that Jodi wants to work!
she rekons i should go to the casino with her on saturday after i finnish work, its AFL grand final and work will be quiet, so that will be fun to go hang out with my sis! wont be doing any gambling tho, broke as! i'm working a few nights a week but some nights its only a few hours, so at the end of the week it doesnt really add up to much. dont mind, just need to pay bills and petrol and smokes, dont really need anything else.
im going down to the galleria now to get Greta some flowers, she bloody deserves them because she works soooo hard.
xx

im not giving up

i suppose its been a good thing for me to have this time out, time alone and away from everyday things so i can sort my head. and thats what half the point of the trip over to oz was about.

i know what i want, i want you, i want our life back, i want our family together, its going to be incredible.

i want to rewind two fucking years and be standing with you on our first aniversary at the casino, we had such a great time...

i swear baby im not going to give up, im going to fight for you back and we are going to have an amazing life. things have happened, i know but i can let it go, i can start over with you and the girls, we can have what we wanted all along.

happy anniversary. next year i'm going to marry you again.

ohhhhh

wow saturday night was a big night at work, didnt knock off till one and then had wayyy too many margaritas. oh dear, good times.
yesterday was the fundraiser at the tavern and it was so cool, heaps of people turned up to support greta and dad, there was awesome live music by Jerry and Val and some lovley kiwi blokes came and sang a few songs as well, was wonderful to hear an nz accent! they invited me over on the weekend for a hangi YUM
just cant beleive how awesome the people are around here, Dad has some wonderful friends. will put pics up on facebook in the next day or so, but right now i need an early night! have definatley hit it hard this weekend and need rest.

yayy big smiles

hahaha have had a very nice morning ;) and a nice night out on thurs, was feeling pretty miserable so took myself down to the tavern (owned by friends of dads) and had some beers and some chats, met a boy teeeheeee, had a nice evening. saw him again today.
tomorow is dads fundraiser thingee, should be wikid, he's got saome awesome mates who have totally been suportive, they are great people.
im working again tonight, should be a busy one apparently so will be home late and probably buggered by the time i get here.
good mood today, alot better :D
xx

working girl!!

lol, i love working. hehe its weird. worked last night, just me and chef/boss, it went pretty well and we had a bunch of drunk chicks come in they were so funny.
highly insulted by some dick face, wont mention names but you and your brother arent welcome here anymore!! meh, doesnt bother me what you think.
one of the things im working on is trying not to care too much about other peoples opinions. i'll get there.
i called the girls tonight, they sound good, george sounds stressed. told him i'd be home in december, i dont know where i'll live yet but thinking of going west so i can go to uni out there. new start and all that.
i miss the kids sooooo much! kate sent some lovley pics of them that made me miss them more, they are sooo cute and luckily havent grown much since i went. but avalon is talking alot more, its beautiful.
bored. bored. nothing to do. no mates, no social life. well its okay, didnt come here to have a damn social life.
dad is sick at the moment, from the chemo. doesnt want to eat anything. i got him to start doing his new puzzle and did some speech therapy with him, but thats about it.

plenty to do

busy day today, dad had physio this morning and then we did some walking around, i tried to get him to start his new puzzle but he just wants to sit infront of the tv. im worried that he will just give up on trying to get better.
have been trying to do scrapbooking stuff, i have pics from back in may that i havent put in the 2009 album yet... bummer because i dont have all my gear with me but scrapping stuff is soooooooo CHEAP over here!
saw Jodi yesterday, she came for tea for dads bday and stayed a bit.
i've got work again tonight and hopefully it will be a good night. i think im getting used to it, just have to learn the menu better. love mixing drinks lol.
busy busy, off i go

happy birthday dad!

dads birthday today, he's had heaps of visitors come over and birkey's just taken him down to the pub.
i had a good night at work last night, it was a bit busier and the chick i was working with was nicer then the one on friday. so it was fun, made some cocktails and served yummy food, washed a helluvalot of dishers but doesnt bother me.
i miss the kids like mad and am starting to kinda formulate a plan of what i want to do in my head, but will have to see how things pan out.
dad has more chemo in a few weeks, then a couple of weeks after that he has all the scans and mris etc to see how everything is going, so i definatley want to wait for that.
im homesick, i will be going back to auckland. hopefully not forever, lol wish i could live in qld where the weather is wonderful!!
id love to go back to uni next year, so hopefully things will fall into place. but knowing my luck.... hahaha

just ignore that last post

me having a "meghan moment" lol. all goods. feeling fantastic. definatley keeping feelings to self from now on. sorry to people i worried. not going to top myself, just want to go home. miss the kids more than i miss watties sauce and people not making fun of me saying chips.... chups haha oh, so, so funny you australian retards.

just kidding.

i wish that dad would just magically get better and everything would work out, i could go home to my girls and, well i dont have anything else to go home to since i sold my car and most of my stuff. which is suckarse, but i can start over. it will be grand.

work tonight, should be okay.

oh you know what, fuck it all

shit
got back from the cas and the socalled young persons club. ended up with nothing but my brothers. one of whom said i was too despertae and the other said i was slutty!!!
fuck it all. i wanted to look nice,. for gods awesome sake i wanted someone to chat me up, but not to be. guess the diet hasnt worked even though i wore my hold-me-in knickers. whichc still didnt work and i looked like i was about to birth triplets.
i have beenworking out and have lost some kilos but doesnt fuckin look like it.
do you realise how fucking close to topping myself i am? i suppose not since no one reads this shit,'ive got nothing left. if he doesnt want me, i have nothing.
my children are far better havig a nice memory of me than having the actual experience,.'
if its not happening shortly, expect a last entry


i am nothing

forgotten

fat

unwanted.
i am nothing,
for you
my god
nothing for anyone
my god nothing for anything

i am nothing
forever and
im nothing
forever more,
youll know when i say it
forevermore
i was nothing
my god i was nothing


bless.... my... soul....
i.... love....you...so...
my..... one,
my....only.......love


i am,
nothing
forevermore
forgotten

will be nothing you crave
nothing anyone
desires

i am
nothing anymore,
anything, anyone my god
i am nothing, forever more
my lord, nothing

until.... you save me......

nothing.....

looking forward to a good night out

well tonight we are all off to some irish pub for dinner and then to the casino for drinks and gambling! its dads birthday on monday so we are celebrating tonight. should be a good night except ray and david arent coming which means i'll be hanging around the oldies (not that i mind) but they are good. Bernie has "adopted" me since her daughter melissa went off on her OE, and she is determined to find me a man!
im sooooooo not into it, i really just can't be bothered. still recovering from when my heart got broken recently. and not really feeling like having a fling of any kind. very self concious about my body latley, scars from stupid upsets ruin me, fat from babies is unattractive, ginormous boobs are a curse...
so yeah i worked last night and it was okay, didnt do much except take orders and serve meals (as waitresses do) and then fold a fuckarse load off napkins. it should be fine, i'm working on sunday night aswell so will be getting used to the menu and layout and all that kind of thing. i had to make cocktails which was strange because i'm a beer kind of chick and had never made a pina colada in my life. ew.
ive got a new dress to wear out tonight and am making a solemn intention of not getting toooo boozed (hahaha) well i'll see. fingers crossed for winnings on the pokies.
love ya

yayy its looking up!!

life is looking up. got myself a job yayy just waitressing at a mexican restaurant, but will be good fun. starts tonight so im a bit nervous.
weather is shit here, lots of wind and rain. not so cold, just stormy.
miss the kids like mad, wish i could see them. web cammed them yesterday while they opened their box of goodies from me, that was so cool. avalon just wanted the chocolate hahah next time i wont bother sending anything but lollies lol. ive started collecting things for the next box, i made them this cute little storybook and i hope they like it.
spoke (well, typed) to matthew yesterday. was strange. not happening. which sucks but is probably a good thing because of all the complications it would have created. ahhhhh.
im totally off blokes.
dad is doing okay, walking around a bit and not feeling too shit after the chemo. we are all looking forward to saturday night.

lonley

hmmm
dont like being so lonley.
last day of chemo today, well for another 3 weeks at least. dad was feeling a bit shady today, little bit sick although he did heaps of walking.
sigh
i want a job/friend/my kids. applied for like 30 jobs today, hope someone wants me :P

another day of chemo

took dad to the hospital for another lot of chemo today, it wasnt as long as yesterday but stressful because we saw a young lady get very sick while having her poisin. it was scary.
still feeling down. looking forward to saturday night; we are all going out to tea and then the casino to celebrate dads birthday which is on monday.
applied for a couple more jobs today, if i dont get one soon i am going to scream. down to my last $100 eeeek. possibly a few nights work at the tavern for me, hmmm put an alcoholic behind a bar?????
i made this beautiful story book for the girls, its about them being fairies and having an adventure, i scrapped it all and it looks really beautiful. i hope they like it. talked to them on the phone today, Chandra was good to talk to, she said she misses me heaps. Lonnie didnt want to talk to me, she was watching a movie and not happy about being shoved a phone! that really made me sad. i miss her like crazy. George said shes turning into a little shit, YUP terrible twos! still love them both.
i wish i could do something for Greta. she is so stressed and miserable.

ick

meghan, you should remember to NOTtalk about your feelingswhile drunk, instead bottle them up inside!
hmmm. i didnt mean to send that email, sorry. not that it matters.
anyways im at a public computer with the loudest keyboard in the world, at Hollywood hospital while Dad has his chemo.
its going to be a long day today; 6 hours of sitting with that shit dripping into his arm. very boring just sitting there but i want to be there for him so.will read plenty of old cosmos and womens days.
dont think we will have time to do anything else today, I NEED A JOB!! im getting very low on funds.

poems

hmm will give seperate section for these shameful peices of "literature"

feeling like a burning arsehole

feel sick with lonliness.
rejection. not good enough. fucking disgusting, whatever.
fucking hate this.
happy fathers day dad, and george, well done sweet.
the kids are hard work. but they are well worth it and i wish i was home with them now, i need lonnies squeezy cuddles and chandra's telling offs, she is so great. wat a mum.
just going to listen ti slipknot and five finger death punch, remember about how much matthew loved me.
then isten to 3dg illllll let you dowwwwnn lll..... let you down
i will always let you down so never beleive in me
fuck ya

just another day

^^^ me and Raymond when we went out for tea on monday

god im so boring. nothing new to report.

ummm lets see. worked out for like 20 hours, okay maybe not 20 but a couple and felt a bit better afterwards. took a random drive out to Joondalup to a scrapbooking shop and got a few bits an peices. since i have photos from may to put in my album.

mmm. told matt to fuck the hell off.

then cried lots.

smoked an awful lot, bought dad some stupid tshirts (they say things like fuck off and crap like that, but thats the kind of thing he likes) for fathers day tomorrow. i usually give my mum a fathers day card since she was pretty much the only dad i had growing up. but i decided not to this year, she has probably just about disowned me by now, her olderst daughter a great big failure, a fucking disappointment.

well, when im an old bag like mum, my kids could be p-addicted prostitutes who owed me $10,000 and i would still love them passionatley, still help them out and never ever say the D word to them. because its that fucking work that stings the most.

its always been like that. i have never ever felt good enough for her. i dont know wether she expcted more of me, or if i was just generally a let down from the day i was born.

talked to the kids on webcam tonight and it was so wonderful. even though they didnt really seem too interested in talking to me. i miss them alot, every night i lay next to my laptop and watch movies of them and fall asleep to their pictures.

but im glad for the break. even though i feel more insane here than i did there. not true. maybe just more bored, lonley and depressed here. back in auckland it was stress all round, trying so hard not to let my kids down. i dont want them to think i wasnt a good enough mother, coz i did everything i could, guess full time single parenting isnt for everyone. i hope that george is managing okay with them. but he has lots of help if he needs it. i think next weekend he's getting a weekend off which will be really good, i remember looking forward to those!

still feeling pretty shitty in general. but day by day.

oh and i decided what i would like to do next year. but i dont know where i will be.

life is such a game.

for some reason i feel like im going to die shortly.
really hope i get to see the kids first, god i miss them so much, but i dont want to go back to them with nothing. dont have any money anyways.
not good enough,

can someone come be my mate?

im so lonley.
im not feeling great today, a bit low. even shopping didnt help much. i got a few bits and peices for my scrapbook, it will give me something to do.
the interveiw went so-so but not looking great coz he said they have heaps of applicants. i just need a damn job, i dont care what or where, just need to have something to look forward to.
dad isnt really able to have a proper conversation with anyone, his brain is still re-wiring itself. we bought him scrabble today to help with the rehabilitation of his mind. took him for a blood test today which will be sent to the specialist by monday, monday is his first day of this chemo treatment.
got him some new slippers that will be easier to put on and off by himself, he still needs to maintain his independance as much as possible.
going to walk for an hour on the treadmill and then go to sleep. feeling really shit. i talked to M today, maybe thats why. it was strange. i miss him so fucking much.
ugh.

on the work out buzz

so dad and Greta have a gym at home and since i dont have anything else to do i jumped on treadmill for a while and wow feeling good. sore and tired, but good. maybe excersizing will help me sleep tonight? oh, and get skinny. might go back on that black tea n ciggie diet that worked so well last time. quite self concious about my body, so time to do something about it i suppose.
went out for tea last night with David and Raymond, was nice to get out of the house and socialise with someone my own age.
dad is doing very well today, speech therapy this morning and physio at lunchtime. he's well worn out now, but i gotta make him eat something! he doesnt have much of an appetite and he has lost so much weight recently. i dont know if it was since the first lot of chemo or the stroke, but he is skin and bones. i make him drink these YUM protein shakes..... with raw egg... eeeeewww. he hates them, but he has gotta stay strong.
ive got another job interveiw tomorrow, fingers crossed even though it would be a shit arse job, it would mean i could be here more often for dad.
im pretty lonley, bored but have been finding things to occupy myself.
hmmm