just another day

^^^ me and Raymond when we went out for tea on monday

god im so boring. nothing new to report.

ummm lets see. worked out for like 20 hours, okay maybe not 20 but a couple and felt a bit better afterwards. took a random drive out to Joondalup to a scrapbooking shop and got a few bits an peices. since i have photos from may to put in my album.

mmm. told matt to fuck the hell off.

then cried lots.

smoked an awful lot, bought dad some stupid tshirts (they say things like fuck off and crap like that, but thats the kind of thing he likes) for fathers day tomorrow. i usually give my mum a fathers day card since she was pretty much the only dad i had growing up. but i decided not to this year, she has probably just about disowned me by now, her olderst daughter a great big failure, a fucking disappointment.

well, when im an old bag like mum, my kids could be p-addicted prostitutes who owed me $10,000 and i would still love them passionatley, still help them out and never ever say the D word to them. because its that fucking work that stings the most.

its always been like that. i have never ever felt good enough for her. i dont know wether she expcted more of me, or if i was just generally a let down from the day i was born.

talked to the kids on webcam tonight and it was so wonderful. even though they didnt really seem too interested in talking to me. i miss them alot, every night i lay next to my laptop and watch movies of them and fall asleep to their pictures.

but im glad for the break. even though i feel more insane here than i did there. not true. maybe just more bored, lonley and depressed here. back in auckland it was stress all round, trying so hard not to let my kids down. i dont want them to think i wasnt a good enough mother, coz i did everything i could, guess full time single parenting isnt for everyone. i hope that george is managing okay with them. but he has lots of help if he needs it. i think next weekend he's getting a weekend off which will be really good, i remember looking forward to those!

still feeling pretty shitty in general. but day by day.

oh and i decided what i would like to do next year. but i dont know where i will be.

life is such a game.