ahhh

yesterday i had a job interveiw and it went very well i thought, it would be wikid job to have and im all qualified properly for it, community support is what i just finnished at Uni.
but i dont know... im not really here to advance my career, and the job sounds quite full on. if i just went down the road to sizzler and worked there maybe it would be better, i would have more time to look after dad and i could work while Greta is at home.
there are so many appointments this week! speech, physio, OT, homecare etc. next week is the dreaded Chemo week. not looking forward to that, or the after effects.
ive got a box of lovley things ready to go for the kids, i miss them heaps. i hope that they miss me? what if i get back and they dont want to know me? what if i get back and George decides that he doesnt want to give them to me at all? i guess that was all a risk i took when i left. stupid girl. fucked my own life really havent i.
i cant sleep. i can never sleep. i have no damn pills, i tried yoga but almost broke my leg doing it. drank herbal tea etc but no avail. ended up having a few beers to get me off to sleep which worked but i had horrific nightmares/flashbacks and would wake up in cold sweats and crying, feeling like i was going to vomit everywhere. ah, life was easier when i just went to bed and had nice medications knock me out. im getting really tired during the day from this lack of sleep.
im lonley.
dont really know what to do with myself. be better once i start work i suppose.